I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
