Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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