I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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