It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
