i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
