Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
