So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
