i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
