i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize