We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
