I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
