My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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