You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
