just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize