Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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