If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
