Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
