Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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