nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
two words...techno handjob
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I have aggressive nipples.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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