he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
