I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
