Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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