well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
