Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
