he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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