I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
