If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
