haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
