im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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