I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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