Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
