Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
