I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
