I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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