My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
