i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
