We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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