spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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