We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
