my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
