Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
