He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
