yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
