I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
