How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
