i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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