I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
