Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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