I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
