dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
