you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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