goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
