so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
