So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
