I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize