Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
