i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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