i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
