I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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