im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
