ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
