i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm at about main and main street
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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