the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
