so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
